“Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun.” – Psalm 37:4-6
We had just walked through the doors of Target when my phone rang with a number I didn’t recognize, but I was waiting to hear back from the doctor regarding some recent tests that my husband and I had regarding concern for infertility, so I decided to answer. As the friendly voice described who she was and why she was calling, my heart was beating fast and loud – soon accompanied by a solemn expression as I heard the word “abnormal”. My heart, no longer loud and pounding, began to sink. I hung up the phone with my husband staring at me as we stood by the dollar section asking, “What’s wrong? Who was that?”, and then I had to quietly explain the news to him. Shocked, he hugged me and remained optimistic in the moment, encouraging me that we would figure it out. I was a ball of anxiety, finding it difficult to sleep and focus at work the next day and weeks to come.
Waiting on God is a hard and uncomfortable path to take.
As the time continued on, we had more appointments, more tests, medications, and a surgery. Our time was spent having a lot of conversations and waiting for the next step. Lots of tears were shed and days spent curled up on the couch where I could feel myself slipping into depression, finding it unimaginable to understand how this was going to be used for good. I was angry and I just wanted it to end. After all, we had been on this journey of trying to grow our family for almost two years at the time and waiting was the last thing that I wanted to do.
I prayed relentlessly for a miracle and time and time again. My tired, weary heart heard God say “be patient”. Hearing those words from God were not new to me. I felt Him speaking patience over my life as I waited for a job after grad school while in the midst of moving to a new city, and looking back it was evident that only God could have brought it all to fruition. Hearing those words reminded me of that situation and how He was faithful even then. I realized that this would be no different. Over time, my prayers turned into praying for peace, comfort, and patience during our infertility journey, which he has given to me.
Only good awaits to those who wait on God.
Although I still sit in the midst of infertility, I can already see God moving in our lives and working within my heart and character. He has given me consistent hope in that carries me through the day to day, the ability to lean in to his arms harder embracing his love for all that I can understand of it, and the eyes to see those who he has surrounded us with during this time that have walked similar paths. He has brought love, support, and empathy through friends and family making this all a little easier with each breath. As much as I wish our story would have turned out differently, and despite the difficulty and trials we have and will face, I see the truth that God is good and the beauty of his works will soon be revealed.
Do you ever feel like you are walking through something bigger than you? You may feel out of control, angry, hurt, frustrated, or sad. I’ve been there too. Sister, God hears you. Isaiah 59:1 says “Surely the arm of the Lord is not too short to save, nor his ear too dull to hear” and genuinely believe that. Our Heavenly Father hears each prayer and catches each tear you and I cry. He knows exactly what we, his children, need and when we need it. For those of you who read this today and are walking through something unimaginable, I hope that you too know this to be true. I pray that you can lean into the loving arms of God and on rely on his strength to carry you through.