“…who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works.” Titus 2:14
My husband and I fell in love young and all at once. We have been married for a sweet, six years and have been inseparable since the day we met – at a barbecue in college, where my first words to him were, “I just ate four hot dogs.” Yes, I actually did say that and yes, he actually did ask me to marry him years later. Anyway, we love each other too much, we get on each other’s nerves and we laugh, a lot. That is why this story is necessary to write.
What I’m trying to say is that we are really, really in love. I am not airing out any dirty laundry, so to speak, and I need you to know that before I begin.
It all started on a Saturday morning. I woke-up with my two-year-old – who get’s up before the sun, which is basically the middle of the night. I figured that I might as well pay the bills and surrender to motherhood, right? As I am going through, I pick up my husbands phone to search for something really quickly and there it was. I typed in the letter ‘z’ and my heart dropped to my stomach.
Pornography is a vicious addiction.
Nothing prepares you for coming face-to-face with your husband’s pornography addiction. For the first time I had a window into the other side of the battle that my husband was fighting. The images I saw made me feel like a huge air balloon had swelled up in my chest and then popped without warning. I had known that pornography was a struggle for him, but I had never been faced with the enormous weight of the fight. When I confronted my husband by showing him what I had found I wasn’t truly angry, I was empty inside. The entirety of our marriage, all the good memories, hard times and everything-in-between, just seemed meaningless.
His addiction to pornography exposes a lack on his part, not yours.
God showed me that my husband’s addiction was not about me. His addiction had everything to do with his own fears and anxieties. The conversation that we had that morning acted as a catalyst for growth and maturity in our marriage, propelling us foreword. Sometimes you have to walk through the deep, dark valleys of life to get to the mountaintop.
God forgives all- even those who are addicted to pornography.
God taught me what true forgiveness meant. Really, through my brokenness, God painted me the clearest picture of the gospel that I had ever seen. If I sincerely believed that what Jesus did was real – who am I to resent and grow bitter toward my husband? God presented me with an opportunity to show the same grace to my husband that Jesus showed to me on the cross. I didn’t deserve life, I deserved death, but even so, Christ saved me.
Was I expecting my husband to be perfect? I mean, seriously, I think I was – and that is extremely unrealistic. Through this experience, God taught me that perfect love could only be found through relationship with Him.
To be completely honest, God worked a miracle in our marriage. Our commitment to one another was made new, through the love of God – that’s what he does. God doesn’t just put things back together that have been shattered; instead He makes them brand new.
Now, I find myself thanking God for that Saturday morning. He saw me there, sobbing at the kitchen table at 5:30am. He carried me through, really, carried us through. Without it, I would not be the wife I am today – a wife that is unashamedly rooted in the unconditional love of God.
In my life, I have never been more thankful for the unrelenting, inextinguishable love of God. Through my daily walks with him, screaming for understanding and crying out for wisdom, he showed himself to me strong and powerfully.
She is Kellie Tuten. Christian. Forever Newlywed. Mother. Laugher. Drinker of Tea. You can follow her on Instagram: @ktutes.
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