“You are good, and what you do is good; teach me your decrees.” – Psalm 119:68
April 21, 2016 was not a day that I would chalk up as God showing his goodness; quite honestly it would be the complete opposite at first glance.
I was 11 weeks pregnant, what started as spotting in the afternoon became full-fledged bleeding in the evening. And by 9 pm, my husband and I were met with the words from the ultrasound tech “there is no heartbeat.”
A miscarriage at 11 weeks, how could this happen? Why me? What did I do to deserve this? I had more questions than answers.
I’ve been a Christian for most of my life, and tried really hard to recite God’s truths: that He is good, that He is sovereign, but I just didn’t understand how this could fit into God’s perfect plan.
Around 2 am the worst was behind me and now my uterus was starting to contract back to size and the pain was comparable to labor cramps, except there would be no healthy, screaming baby at the end.
That’s when the reality of what just happened sunk in and I started sobbing, screaming at God with all my unanswered questions and how this wasn’t fair. Didn’t He know this was my heart’s desire, how I struggle with infertility?
In the still of the night, I heard God say, “I know.” What should’ve brought comfort enraged me more, that the God who inspired the Bible, the words of wisdom in Proverbs, the poems in Psalms only had two words for me, which at the time provided little comfort because I couldn’t understand or quite frankly probably didn’t want to understand at that time.
The only form of solace I would accept was having this be a terrible nightmare that would be gone in the morning.
It wasn’t until the next day when I prayed and reflected on the past night that I realized God’s meaning of those two words, “I know.” He cares so much that He answered my cries last night. He didn’t turn His back on me after my screams. He reached out to show me He cares. He knows first hand the heartache of this world, because He came down to this world as flesh and because of the hurt and anguish of this world He knew He needed to complete His Father’s plan by dying on the cross so that we could be united with Him again.
My sweet friends, that is true love.
God is good. We serve a God who couldn’t just sit up on His throne and let sin win, to let the heartache of this world be the end.
“In this world you will have trouble. But take heart, I have overcome the world!” John 16:33
Although, I most likely will not understand why my sweet baby went to heaven that day, I rest assured that my God is good. What most of my life was solely a Christian cliché to me that I would quickly reiterate to my friends in their times of trials, became so real to me in the wee hours of that morning- that God is truly good.
This life is not going to be perfect, far from it. He wants us to get real and raw with Him, to cry out to Him in times of despair, to share our deepest, darkest secrets with Him, because He cares, He’s good.
Teach me the ways of your goodness God! Let me see your goodness in ALL areas of my life.
♡ Jamie Krautwurst is a Christ-follower and a contributor at Proverbs 31 Woman.
If you’ve suffered any kind of pregnancy loss—miscarriage, stillbirth, abortion—would you let us know in the comments? We would love to cover you in prayer today and ask the Lord to help you heal.