“Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.” – Psalm 37:4
I wholeheartedly believe I am worthy of receiving love. I love the way my heart loves, I love my soul, and I love all of me.
Yet sometimes I come undone when I don’t receive love, or when I don’t feel validated. I have an expectation for the way I should be loved by my fiancé, family, friends, or the world. When I don’t receive love the way I envisioned I don’t feel it is a valid expression of love.
I can be loved by many people, but not receiving love, acceptance, or validation from the one person I’m fixated on will outweigh the love I’m receiving from all other sources. The pain and emptiness from not being loved and accepted as I’d hoped, is too much to bear. I silently plead to be loved. My soul begs and gives someone else the power to make me feel whole.
It does make sense. Love begins from within, but when the world around me is giving me a million reasons to feel inadequate I may find it challenging to look at myself with a different lens; to be the only one standing on my side, cheering me on, because no one else will.
I’m the cheerleader type. I try my best to cheer people back to life, try to motivate others to excel in different areas. I’ll go out of my way to make them feel loved, mainly because I want them to have what my heart yearns for. I find joy in making others happy, but I kind of want them there with me to do the same, help lift me up.
Love your neighbor as yourself.- Matthew 19:19
That’s kind of what I’m doing here. I don’t love someone and then give them an IOU for love, but I do tend to extend the expression of love I wish to receive.
“I want to be there for you, because I know what it’s like not to have anyone at this crossroad and I don’t want that feeling for you. I want to show you that you’re important to me, and I hope I mean something to you as well.”
Unfortunately, I can’t look at love as a return on investment type of thing. My love isn’t always requited, or maybe they do but not in the way I desire.
I cannot tie my identity to my expectations. I have to tie my identity to the love freely given to me by God. Along life I have told myself countless times, “When I fall in love all will be heavenly and I’ll be complete.” Then I move on to the next source, “when we get married all will be…..when we buy our first home all will be….when we have children all will be.”
Perhaps those that I’m hoping to receive affection from are carrying their own pain or disappointments, maybe greater than my own, making it unfeasible for me to receive the love or affection I’m looking for. I have to cut them slack.
I have to let go of what I’m hoping to receive from that friendship or relationship, accept the loss of my unmet expectation, and accept us where we are. Not being all that I envisioned it to be does not mean it cannot exist at all, I just have to release the expectations and carry-on.
I have to stop the “I need love,” mentality, and start having the “I give love,” the world desperately needs. The world has enough reasons to divide.
My unrequited love does not need to be one of the reasons someone else comes undone, especially when I am loved by many just not everyone.
I get carried away tapping into other sources for love, but there’s only one who I run to in my most desperate, shattered, undone moments:
God takes pains and heals in a way only He can do, but I don’t let Him fill me with the love and certainty that only He can provide. My relationship with God needs to come first, before my marriage, children, family, everything. I need to allow God to be enough at all times so that I can stop pressuring others to make me feel loved.
Sadly, at times it’s hard to dwell in God’s love because I can’t always wish for it how I’d like; I can’t touch it or hold it the way my human nature desires. Spiritually I feel it, but its message may not outweigh the hollowness of the times I feel alone. I might not feel it if my accomplishment isn’t celebrated.
I have to start living as a child of God that I am. I am loved, fully, completely, and unconditionally.. Nothing can separate me from the love of God.
My story started with God, and it will end with God.
He’s the only one who can hold me through everything I will ever experience, and He will love me through every minute of it.
Being loved by God will allow me to extend love during frail moments where I might be the only source of love. To love at all seasons in my life I must be steadfast to love. The love God gives me must overshadow everything else. I can only give unconditional love when I accept it, receive it, and relish in to; fill myself with the love of God.
I can extend my heart, whether received, accepted, embraced or denied, and remain the same. Regardless of the outcome, Jesus’ love remains unchanged in me.