Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. – Hebrews 13:4
Whoever said God was some cosmic killjoy? God loves sex. He created it and in Genesis, he even declared it to be “good”.
And some Christian women are excited about this goodness at the prospect of marital sex. But why are some others cringe at the idea. It isn’t because most women find sex to be some disgusting, sinful thing, but more so because there’s quite a bit of confusion on what is acceptable and what isn’t acceptable in the marriage bed.
We have the clear cut Ten Commandments. Why can’t we also have the Ten Commandments of Marital Sex?
Like parenting, God’s Word only truly gives us a few, relatively open guidelines when it comes to copulation. Some Christians have studied Songs of Solomon and interpreted the lines within it as acceptable positions for married couples to partake in while others just see the Biblical book as a beautiful story that glorifies the wonder of lovemaking between a married couple. Let’s try to answer some of the questions that fall in the “gray ” area.
It’s not just about who you’re doing it with.
As we already know, sex outside the confines of marriage is considered to be sinful. We know this because the Gentiles of the Roman world Paul refers to in the Bible actually abhorred adultery and considered it a crime. This includes premarital sex, and other more ‘adventurous’ avenues that have become common such as involving another person in the act (i.e. three-some). This may seem like an obvious answer, yet many still fall into trap for this one through willful ignorance of God’s truth’s and moral absolutes.
God’s design for sex is clearly drawn within the boundaries of a marriage covenant. It is unwise to manipulate this in an effort to lay hold of our own desires. Not only does extramarital sex reject a delightful gift God wants us to enjoy but it undermines our Creator’s will and wisdom by falling in reckless abandon to the pleasures of our flesh.
It’s also about who you’re thinking of when doing it.
Committing adultery isn’t just having intercourse with another person- it’s what or who you’re thinking about while having sex with your husband. Now, this can cover a wide array of situations. There is certainly a difference between fantasizing you and your spouse making love on the shore of a deserted island, and imagining Channing Tatum caressing you instead.
For God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil. – Ecclesiastes 12:14
God knows our innermost fantasies and if it’s not your husband occupying your mind while lovemaking, then you are committing sin (Psalm 5:4; Proverbs 15:26). Impure fantasies can prompt actions resulting in physical or spiritual harm to yourself and to your husband. There’s a chance you will both drift emotionally from each other, fall out of intimacy and instead, fall into an imaginary world that will never exist in your marriage. They can lead to sins such as lust, jealousy, addiction and infidelity.
So, it’s wrong to watch porn with my husband?
Sexually explicit materials have been a major cause of problems in the marriages of some couples I know. Not only does porn deplete your ability to be sexually attracted to your husband because he doesn’t compare physically to those on screen, but you’ll eventually lust after the character on the film without realizing it.
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery’; but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye makes you stumble, tear it out and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. – Matthew 5:27-29
The prohibition in Matthew against desiring another person isn’t exclusively pointing to our husbands. Jesus addressed this issue universally, equating it with the act of adultery.
Is it okay if I masturbate?
Masturbation is never properly mentioned in the Bible and many women struggle with guilty feelings practicing it, when in reality, the things that led to the act — sins of lust, immoral thoughts etc. — are far more worthy of repentance.
If there’s one absolute we need to remember to tackle this issue, it is that our bodies have been redeemed and belong to God.
If you’re masturbating while thinking of someone else, in the eyes of God, you’re absolutely committing adultery. Remember that Christianity is not just about avoiding sinful physical acts, but also about mental purity.
On a practical note, if you’re married and lusting after your spouse, making it a habit to ask your husband for help and asking him to provide you that pleasure is always a better, spiritually safer option. This will not only allow you for a more satisfying physical release but will give you a sense of being cherished. That clearly completes the biblical picture of the two of you becoming one.
Do you think dirty talking are wrong?
One rule that might not be known to everyone is that God doesn’t want you to partake in any dirty jokes. In Ephesians, Paul tells us not to let unwholesomeness come from our mouths. This suggests that when you’re out in public, you should always strive to hold your tongue as dirty jokes do not represent the purity of Christ in you.
Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving.– Ephesians 5:4
If you throw a private joke to your husband, however, like a tease or a flirty suggestion, I personally think that it shouldn’t give you the guilt or fear of burning in hell. For some couples, using passionate, descriptive language is key to intense arousal. I think it should be fine as long as you use words that are not offending to your husband or use them in their context and only in your bedroom.
Is oral sex okay?
As oral sex is not explicitly prohibited in the Bible, this maybe an area that God wishes for us to use our discretion and determine what is best for us. The major thing that can probably stop believing couples to practice this in their marriage bed is the thought of it being odd in terms of God’s design for sex. But I doubt that God wants married couples to be restricted on this basis. I like to quote Pastor John’s analogy to address this issue:
So consider this (Proverbs and the Song of Solomon say about a wife’s breasts). It seems to me nothing is more natural than a baby snuggling in his mother’s arms drinking at her breast. That is what breasts are. They are designed to feed babies. So is there anything physically natural about a husband’s fascination with his wife’s breasts? Well, you might say no. That is not what breasts are for. But Proverbs 5:19 says: Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight. Be intoxicated always with her love.
Pastor John mentioned further in the article that even though there is very little anatomical correlation between a man’s hands or his lips and his wife’s breasts, it surely seems to be namely built in delight and desire that God in his Word seems to commend for our marital enjoyment.
I agree with his point at every angle. Ultimately, I think it boils down to asking yourself:
Is it something I feel comfortable doing? Is the process painful or demeaning? Will it be beneficial to the sexual and spiritual health of my marriage?
These are all things you need to consider when engaging in oral sex or all other sexual practices (for that matter) to undergo in your marriage bed.
“I have the right to do anything,” you say—but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything”—but not everything is constructive. No one should seek their own good, but the good of others. – 1 Corinthians 10:23-24
Just like freewill, God made sex between a man and woman as more than just a way to procreate. He designed it for married couples to become one, and for them to know each other inside and out. It is meant to be beautiful and pleasurable at the same time for both.
Ultimately, it would be wonderful to have a Book of Law for Sex, list of practices that God absolutely deems acceptable, but such a list would also be extremely constricting. If we had a long list of things we weren’t allowed to do, for some, it might actually cut out some of the things that you and your husband really enjoy doing together. God wants us to enjoy sex with our spouses, so he purposefully made his list of do’s and don’ts rather short. Just like God knows there are quite a few different avenues to raise a good and Godly child, he also knows that His people have a variety of wants and desires that still lead to the same result- revealing the beauty of being one with one’s partner.
It’s impossible to cover all the gray areas in this page. If what you’re wondering about is not specifically addressed in the Bible, pray that the Holy Spirit leads you to sound principles. I personally suggest for you to read on 1 Corinthians to help you in sex-related decision making.
Our prayer, here at Proverbs 31 Woman, is that God will use this article to bring you freedom and deliverance.
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